Letters inspired by I-95
Jul. 26th, 2007 07:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
terribleturnipDear Flashing Traffic Sign People,
But when you type in "Expect Delays" for one flash and "Route 17, July 30, 1am-4am" were you aware of the traffic phenomenon that ensures that thousands of harried travelers will ONLY see the "Expect Delays" line, as the trucks, mini-vans and SUVs around them manage to be in the way, every OTHER second? You don't have to tell me to "EXPECT" a delay -- if you're predicting one, there WILL be one. Give me a hint either where or when the delay will happen, so I can narrow down the worry. If you need to, you can put the date or time on the next flash...although I'll bet you could fit it all on one line, technoboy, despite it ruining the whole EFFECT of being able to flash alternating info.
Dear NJ DOT,
A Friday afternoon during the summer is NO time to be reducing the highway lanes down to two as I enter your fine state. You probably had an inkling on Thursday that you weren't going to get it done on Friday morning, so don't even start it. Give those guys a break, sweating their asses off on a hot summer highway, surrounding by hot asphalt, car fumes and the chorus of travelers sighing, rolling their eyes, banging their heads against the steering wheel.
Dear Modular Home Builder, located somewhere south of New Jersey,
I think it's very cool that you can partially build a house, load it onto 8 oversize vehicles and then caravan it up the highway to where it's going to be assembled. It happened in my neighborhood -- the first truck pulls up early in the morning...by afternoon, there's a house. Fantastic!
But really, Friday afternoon on I-95 during summer traffic? Because when you get trapped in the middle of this gigantic caravan of oversized vehicles, with house halves looming over you and the "guide" cars with their flashing lights and waving flags (who are never really where they're supposed to be) and the highway goes down to two lanes, which, since you take up one and a quarter lanes, which means one lane really, until you can sneak up on a guide car, overtake it, then the next one, then onto the shoulder to pass by the section of the house with the bay window, then another guide car, then the garage, then...it's exhausting, encourages bad traffic behavior, and really jams up the traffic when you throw old people who are afraid to pass a house section OR a car with flags and flashing lights.
Look, these people have waited a while for this house. They can wait until Monday.
Dear Slow Driver in the Far Left Hand Lane,
Get out. Move right. The left hand lane is a passing lane. You can only cruise there if you are alert to people behind you who might want to pass, in which case you move over and let them go. If you're too distracted by your cell phone, or radio or your own place in the center of the universe, then this is NOT the lane for you.
I totally respect your decision to travel the speed limit or slightly below it. I am sure you will live a longer and happier life for it. But move over and let the rest of us get on with our short, harrassed, law-breaking lives. If you are towing a vehicle, are a large RV or are otherwise encumbered, by all means, use the left hand lane to pass, but then get the hell out. You probably shouldn't be traveling that fast anyway, you're blocking my view and you certainly can't see me flashing my lights at you asking you to move the hell over. I don't WANT to pass you on the right. It's DANGEROUS. But I have only so much patience and discourtesy makes me CRAZY.
No, the flashing lights are not a gang signal. It's me asking you, before I descend into road rage, to move over as soon as you get a reasonably safe chance to do so. But, if you're going to move over so that I don't "cap your ass" then fine, it's a gang sign.
I'm not saying that the dents in my front bumper are from helping people out of my travel lane. But if you were to get that impression...well, who could blame you? (Mattie, for those House of Cards fans out there).
And forestall the whole "You're breaking the law by speeding and if you're going to get all full of road rage, that's not my fault, you're just an aggressive criminal." For starters, I pass calmly, using signals and ensuring that there's a safe distance. I AM going too fast. It's my one vice. But since I'm a very alert, careful speeder, it's a better vice, than say, murdering tourists at rest stops, isn't it? Or doing copious amounts of coke and seeing how close I can get to your back bumper?
Besides, just remember this, if a grizzly bear shows up and you get in front of it and poke it with a stick...and it eats you...no one blames the bear.
So put your self-righteousness in the back seat with that aging box of Kleenex and bleached out baseball cap or stuffed dog you've got on the back console and get yourself in the proper travel lane.
But when you type in "Expect Delays" for one flash and "Route 17, July 30, 1am-4am" were you aware of the traffic phenomenon that ensures that thousands of harried travelers will ONLY see the "Expect Delays" line, as the trucks, mini-vans and SUVs around them manage to be in the way, every OTHER second? You don't have to tell me to "EXPECT" a delay -- if you're predicting one, there WILL be one. Give me a hint either where or when the delay will happen, so I can narrow down the worry. If you need to, you can put the date or time on the next flash...although I'll bet you could fit it all on one line, technoboy, despite it ruining the whole EFFECT of being able to flash alternating info.
Dear NJ DOT,
A Friday afternoon during the summer is NO time to be reducing the highway lanes down to two as I enter your fine state. You probably had an inkling on Thursday that you weren't going to get it done on Friday morning, so don't even start it. Give those guys a break, sweating their asses off on a hot summer highway, surrounding by hot asphalt, car fumes and the chorus of travelers sighing, rolling their eyes, banging their heads against the steering wheel.
Dear Modular Home Builder, located somewhere south of New Jersey,
I think it's very cool that you can partially build a house, load it onto 8 oversize vehicles and then caravan it up the highway to where it's going to be assembled. It happened in my neighborhood -- the first truck pulls up early in the morning...by afternoon, there's a house. Fantastic!
But really, Friday afternoon on I-95 during summer traffic? Because when you get trapped in the middle of this gigantic caravan of oversized vehicles, with house halves looming over you and the "guide" cars with their flashing lights and waving flags (who are never really where they're supposed to be) and the highway goes down to two lanes, which, since you take up one and a quarter lanes, which means one lane really, until you can sneak up on a guide car, overtake it, then the next one, then onto the shoulder to pass by the section of the house with the bay window, then another guide car, then the garage, then...it's exhausting, encourages bad traffic behavior, and really jams up the traffic when you throw old people who are afraid to pass a house section OR a car with flags and flashing lights.
Look, these people have waited a while for this house. They can wait until Monday.
Dear Slow Driver in the Far Left Hand Lane,
Get out. Move right. The left hand lane is a passing lane. You can only cruise there if you are alert to people behind you who might want to pass, in which case you move over and let them go. If you're too distracted by your cell phone, or radio or your own place in the center of the universe, then this is NOT the lane for you.
I totally respect your decision to travel the speed limit or slightly below it. I am sure you will live a longer and happier life for it. But move over and let the rest of us get on with our short, harrassed, law-breaking lives. If you are towing a vehicle, are a large RV or are otherwise encumbered, by all means, use the left hand lane to pass, but then get the hell out. You probably shouldn't be traveling that fast anyway, you're blocking my view and you certainly can't see me flashing my lights at you asking you to move the hell over. I don't WANT to pass you on the right. It's DANGEROUS. But I have only so much patience and discourtesy makes me CRAZY.
No, the flashing lights are not a gang signal. It's me asking you, before I descend into road rage, to move over as soon as you get a reasonably safe chance to do so. But, if you're going to move over so that I don't "cap your ass" then fine, it's a gang sign.
I'm not saying that the dents in my front bumper are from helping people out of my travel lane. But if you were to get that impression...well, who could blame you? (Mattie, for those House of Cards fans out there).
And forestall the whole "You're breaking the law by speeding and if you're going to get all full of road rage, that's not my fault, you're just an aggressive criminal." For starters, I pass calmly, using signals and ensuring that there's a safe distance. I AM going too fast. It's my one vice. But since I'm a very alert, careful speeder, it's a better vice, than say, murdering tourists at rest stops, isn't it? Or doing copious amounts of coke and seeing how close I can get to your back bumper?
Besides, just remember this, if a grizzly bear shows up and you get in front of it and poke it with a stick...and it eats you...no one blames the bear.
So put your self-righteousness in the back seat with that aging box of Kleenex and bleached out baseball cap or stuffed dog you've got on the back console and get yourself in the proper travel lane.
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no subject
Date: 2007-07-26 12:24 pm (UTC)PREPARE FOR SUDDEN INCONVENIENCE
Best.Sign.Evar.
no subject
Date: 2007-07-26 01:57 pm (UTC)I have tears in my eye from laughing so hard and agreeing with every thing.
I'd love to take an axe to those big overhead flashing signs... nothing but a driver trap to make them slow down... that's my theory... but it seems to work.
That left most lane is MY lane, everyone else out.. :P
even if I'm only doing 10mph over the limit :D
no subject
Date: 2007-07-26 03:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-26 05:19 pm (UTC)