Today's Spam

[terribleturnip]

I have had a rash of spam lately exhorting me to become "Like a Tiger in Bed".



For starters, Tigers smell. Sure, from a distance, not so bad, just a little musky -- but two of them, cramped up your bedroom? The crazy cat lady's house down the street will start to smell like roses in comparison.

Females have to come into heat in order to be interested in sex. Otherwise, they will try to kill you. A few beers, buddy, and that could give new meaning to poor judgement.

When they're in heat, they will mark with distinctive strong smelling urine mixed with anal gland secretions. You know, in case, just having a pair of tigers in the bedroom wasn't stanky enough for you.

Copulation lasts a whopping 15-30 seconds. Whoop-de-do.

Any of you girls who are thinking "yeah, but that bitey-clampey thing male tigers do to the girl's neck"...just remember that sometimes the boys screw up and kill the female. C'mon, you've each had enough clumsy lovers...an elbow in the nose doesn't seem so bad now, does it?

Not to mention, a tiger's john thomas has spines. Which explains, why, when they're done, she usually bitch-slaps him, sometimes severe enough to open up his face.

Nah, you want to sell me ersatz meds to improve my performance, go with something long, slow and amazingly elegant considering the shape of the bodies involved -- although "Be like a slug in bed" doesn't have the same ring. Okay, how about "have sex like you had the knees of a twenty year old"? Now, THAT I can get behind!

Comments

[thatliardiego.livejournal.com]

...and on top of, and beneath, and beside.

Oh, just insert your own preposition here.

(Heh. I said, "preposition.")

[dawntreader]

you've obviously never been to the zoo while turtles are having sex. even the tigers sat up and took notice. (they were so loud you could hear them all the way down by their pen.)

now there's a sales pitch for you!

i kinda liked your description better, actually.

[bittibuddha.livejournal.com]

why don't I get these sort of spam messages???

WHY GOD, WHY???????

[kudrasslipper.livejournal.com]

I'm TELLING you.... zero g is the way to go. Easier on the knees!!!

zero g

[skivee.livejournal.com]

...and you would learn so much about Newtonian physics

[terribleturnip.livejournal.com]

No resistance. You gotta have resistance. Plus, I've found puking doesn't enhance the experience...

[sweetpea86.livejournal.com]

Um, was I supposed to get my mom to sign a permission slip before you gave this lecture?

[lowlandscot.livejournal.com]

Every time I go to the National Zoo, all the tigers are lying around in the shade, apparently comatose. I can do that in bed without buying anything. Well, ear-plugs might help -- is that what they were selling?

[chellebelle74.livejournal.com]

And once again, I love you just a little bit more.... Careful honey, you might wind up with a stalker. ;-P

[ferlonda.livejournal.com]

I'm giggling almost hysterically here. Eeeee... sigh.

Thanks. I needed that.

[ferlonda.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I meant to ask, what is so neat about turtles making love???

[terribleturnip.livejournal.com]

Loud and long.

But -- unlike slugs who transform into something more beautiful than their usual selves, tortoises...look like two geezers getting it on. Which is way too close to the truth for me to consider that as a role model.

[ferlonda.livejournal.com]

Loud. Wow. I never thought of turtles have a voice at all.

I think I followed a link of yours to see slugs mating- it was very beautiful. I've always kind of liked them despite having been a major predator of theirs when I was growing up. We had a fair amount of property and it was mostly clay- the cracks were a perfect place for slugs to live and the garden was FULL of them. Mom would pay me and my sister I think a penny for every five we killed. I remember making a fair bit of money one spring. Mom swears that she didn't see many slugs for a number of years after that.

Poor slugs.